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THE ART OF LISTENING
[A man who is not willing to listen is practicing the art of being deaf.]
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Have you ever found yourself –
· Listening to a talk or lecture?
· Participating in a meeting, seminar, debate, or discussion?
· Participating in a conversation?
· Listening to announcements at college and at public places outside college?
· Participating in a telephone conversation?
· Listening to music, news, sports commentaries, etc.?
· Watching a movie, or a Television program?
· Being interviewed for a job?
Daily we are bombarded with a variety of speech and information. In order to make use of the content, we need to comprehend it in a variety of situations and in various contexts.
Most of the problems arise in our lives because we refuse to listen.
That’s right!
We think or we tend to believe that we are listening, but in reality we may not even be hearing.
Students attending a lecture most often forget what was taught in the class just after the class because they don’t listen.
If only they knew how to listen they would be able to retain most of the information taught in class. This way they will not have to by heart the content. They can revise it before the exams and things will come to them easily.
Life's Tragedy…
Schools and Colleges teach us to read, write, speak, using a variety of subjects.
But what they don't teach us is "the art of listening".
Yet it is expected from each one of us to be a good listener!
The good news is that anybody can learn the art of listening. By practicing certain steps of listening we can develop ourselves to become good listeners.
ARE YOU LISTENING OR ARE YOU HEARING?
What's the difference?
Have you ever been to a crowded place like a Mall or to the market? Everybody around is busy talking. Their voices are falling onto your ears. But you are not focusing on those voices. You are busy in your own world. What you are doing here is hearing the various sounds. You can’t make out what they are saying. You are just hearing many voices and a variety of sounds at the same time. In this situation, you are hearing.
After a moment or so, among those noises suddenly you hear your name being called from behind. You stop whatever you are doing and turn around towards the voice to see who was calling you. What has happened here? Someone has attracted your attention by calling out your name.
In this situation not only are your ears involved but also your eyes, your mind, and your heart is into it.
Your ears heard your name. Your eyes want to see who the person is who is calling you. Your mind is wondering who could he or she be? Your heart is excited and is waiting to be surprised. Now what you are going through is the process of listening.
Yes, listening is a process.
WHY ARE WE POOR LISTENERS?
Our brain is capable of processing more words per minute than what people speak in a minute.
Result:
The brain has ample spare capacity to wander around and think of other things that interest the brain.
This Leads to POOR LISTENING!
This is very interesting.
As the brain has spare capacity, it tends to fill the spare capacity with many more things that may or may not be related to the topic he is listening to.
Let’s try one activity.
Sit silently in a room. Set a timer of one minute. Randomly pick one small sentence or a word. Say, you picked the sentence – I am the best!
Now, as you start the timer start speaking the sentence ‘I am the best!’ as fast as possible for a full one minute till the alarm goes off. Stop speaking after completion of one minute.
As you spoke the line ‘I am the best’, did any other thought enter your mind? If you did this exercise properly, you should not have experienced any other thought during that full one minute.
Why is it so?
You did not give your brain any spare capacity to think anything other than the sentence ‘I am the best’. As a result your mind just focused on ‘I am the best!’
If we can do it for one minute, we sure can do it for a longer duration.
So the key to becoming a good listener is not to allow your brain any spare capacity.
But in real life, not everybody speaks so fast. We can’t tell the speaker to speak fast so that your brain doesn’t get the spare capacity to wander off.
WHAT DO WE DO?
Here’s what we are going to do. We are going to learn -
THE ART OF LISTENING
The fact when two or more people are talking:
Most of us don't really listen; we just wait for the other person to stop so that we can jump in and start talking.
Basically, human beings are poor listeners. Over that, you cannot force the other person to listen to you. Even if you scold that person to sit and listen to you, he will sit quietly staring at you. Just because his eyes are locked onto you, you might think he is listening to you. But in his mind, he may be thinking something else. Right now we don’t have any technology or app that will allow us to find whether the person in front of us is listening to us or not. In reality, in his mind, he may have traveled far away in another world of his own.
No one can be forced to listen. But if a man wants he can prepare himself to listen.
Because Listening is a SKILL that can be DEVELOPED!
HOW TO MASTER EFFECTIVE LISTENING
…the 5 steps…
STEP 1: Show Your Willingness to Listen
Willingness is your preparedness to listen. Right now are you prepared to listen?
When you tell someone – Yes, what do you want to tell me? What you are doing is showing your intention to listen. But are you really ready to listen to that person?
When you state your keenness to listen you should ensure that you are not busy with any other task. You should not be occupied with things that will keep your mind busy as the person speaks to you. If your mind is preoccupied with something important, you may not be able to focus on what that person is saying. Just as the tennis ball keeps on passing between two players, your mind will be going back and forth to that important task and to what the person is saying.
Ensure that your mind is absolutely free to listen to that person. If not then you can take a rain check and ask that person to meet you when you are absolutely ready to listen to him.
STEP 2: Control or Choose the Surrounding around you to favor listening
When two or more people want to talk or discuss something where they meet plays an important role.
If you have been practicing good listening skills and are a keen listener you will not meet that person where there is lots of disturbance. For example, you will never meet a person in a Mall or a crowded place where there is lots of noise and interference. You know that you will not be able to focus on what the person is saying.
You will meet the person at a place where you can sit peacefully and discuss the matter.
This is called Choosing your surroundings for better listening.
Here are some of the steps you can implement to Control the External Interference:
· Put your Smartphone on silent or vibrate mode and keep it face down in front of you if you can’t put it away.
· Reduce your background noise. You may not be able to create pin drop silence but see to it that no noise distracts you and your speaker’s attention.
· Stop multitasking. Sit in front of the speaker.
· Clean your desk and remove unnecessary things that may create a hurdle in listening. For example, an empty cup of coffee, or loose papers spread on the table.
· Sit facing each other so that there is no distracting things happening behind the speaker or the listener.
By taking care of the above steps you are sending a message to the speaker that you are interested in what he has to say and are willing to give Quality Listening.
STEP 3: Promise yourself to listen without any bias
Often, externally we commit ourselves to listen but internally there is something that raises a barrier to our listening.
There can be many reasons. One main reason can be our wrong or negative perception of the person whom we want to listen to. If we don’t have a good impression of the person, negative thoughts will start coming into our minds about that person even before we start listening. These thoughts will create walls in our minds and will make us disinterested in listening to that person.
Don’t do that. Give that person a fair chance to speak without being biased about him.
Here is how you can commit yourself to listen:
· Don't make any assumptions about the person before listening.
· Avoid being cynical. Don’t assume that the person is coming to complain or talk something negative. Instead, be neutral in your attitude. Being cynical will only spoil your day even before you listen to that person.
· When the person in front of you starts to speak, take effort to remember whatever he is saying. Try to keep in mind the key points of the speech. This will help you to respond well.
· Put yourself in the shoes of the person who is talking to you. Think from his point of view. Ask yourself –‘What has gone in his life that he is speaking like this?’ Don’t compare the person with yourself and anybody else. Remember, just like anybody else he has his own reasons to behave like the way he is behaving.
· While having a conversation learn to take control of your emotions. If the speaker gets into a blame game or finger-pointing, don’t get carried away and become a party to the act of blame game or finger-pointing. Have an objective point of view.
You will have to practice a lot and have tons of patience to become a good listener. Let this not stop you. Become conscious and start practicing starting today.
REMEMBER: Success comes from deliberate actions.
STEP 4: Take up a Posture that facilitates your listening.
It is interesting to note that when we are listening to someone, our body too starts to respond to the talk.
Have you noticed yourself or someone else as they were listening?
Sometimes they lean forward; sometimes they lean back and become more casual, sometimes they start looking here and there away from the speaker.
Our body posture keeps on changing as we listen.
The good thing is that if we can take the right posture while listening, we will be able to focus more on what the person is saying. We will come out as a sincere person who is willing to listen to others. It will work like magic in your favour. You will gain high respect in the eyes of the speaker.
Here is how you can use your body language to show that you are genuinely interested in what the person is saying.
· Establish and sustain suitable eye contact. When the person is talking to you, look at the person, into his eyes.
· Avoid staring at fixed objects or off into space or on the floor. Don’t lose your concentration and go on a personal thought journey. Your attention should be on the speaker.
· Limit what you and the speaker see in front. Make sure you and the person who is speaking do not have any kind of distraction happening behind him. Say, you are sitting with someone in a food court. Behind the person you are listening to there is an ice cream parlor displaying various flavors of ice cream. After a while, you will find that your mind shifts focus from the listener to the ice creams behind him.
· Keep your eyes aware and engrossed. If you allow your eyes to wander around soon your mind will also get interested in other things instead of focusing on the listener.
· Lean slightly forward, towards the speaker. This gesture of yours will show the speaker that you really want to listen to what he is saying.
· Avoid crossing arms & legs, slumping your shoulders. These are all negative body postures and show your disinterest. This sends out a signal that you are not interested in what is being said. You are bored. Instead, relax and maintain open body posture.
· Do not do anything that could cause distraction. While listening to the speaker don’t come up with any other topic. This will give the impression that you are not interested in what he has to say or you don’t want to help him.
· Don’t sit like a statue or a mannequin staring at the listener. You might appear like a gloomy person. Instead, once in a while nodding your head. Give verbal affirmations like 'Then what did you do…', 'Hmm…', 'That's nice…'.
STEP 5: Be Actively involved in Listening
Let me tell you a secret. A person who masters the art of listening is considered to be a great conversationalist even if he speaks very little in a conversation.
I would like to challenge you - Never be a passive listener. Consciously take efforts to be actively involved in listening.
Follow the below six actionable and you will come out as an active listener.
6 ACTIONABLE FOR ACTIVE LISTENING
Whether you are attending a lecture or are listening to a conversation, make use of the below six steps as you listen. Not all steps may be applicable in a given situation. Use what is best in your situation.
ACTIONABLE 1
Take Proper Notes.
If you are attending a lecture or a seminar, don’t rely on your memory to remember everything. Take notes of the key points mentioned by the speaker. This will help you in actively participating in the class or the session. You can ask questions and even put forward your ideas based on the notes that you have prepared.
ACTIONABLE 2
Ask Relevant and Connected Questions.
There might come a point where you might not understand everything the speaker is saying. Here you need to ask and clear your doubts. Ask questions that will help you understand the content or the situation properly.
Remember, it’s your doubt and it’s your responsibility to get clarity on that.
ACTIONABLE 3
Hold the urge to unnecessarily cut the speaker while he is speaking. Also, don’t start a new session in your mind.
When we have something in mind, it is but obvious that we want to share it with others. It is human nature. Even if we don’t say our thoughts loudly we start speaking to ourselves in our mind.
We need to control our urge to speak and put the speaker first.
Remember, you have made a commitment to listen. Be truthful to your commitment and allow the speaker to speak his mind out. You will have ample time to put your thoughts and suggestions.
ACTIONABLE 4
Recapitulate the content of the talk in your mind.
After the speaker has expressed his thoughts, spend some time in silence. Sum up in your own words what was said. Do this in your mind. This will ensure that you have understood what was being said and are on the same page. Don’t jump in and start giving suggestions or start commenting without comprehending what you have listened to.
ACTIONABLE 5
Accept and acknowledge the points that you agree with and get clarity on the points that confused you or that you are not in agreement with.
This actionable of yours will tell the speaker that you are or were genuinely interested in listening to what he had to share. You care for what he is saying and you want to help him in solving whatever challenge he is facing right now.
Here are few sentences that you can use to seek clarity:
· So, are you implying that...?
· What exactly do you mean ...?
· I am sorry, I couldn’t get your point. Can you explain it with an example?
· What does that mean in simple terms?
· Could you repeat that please?
Say you are attending a lecture. Use the above phrases and sentences to get clarity on what you don’t understand and acknowledge what you have understood. This will help you understand the content deeply and remember it for a long, long time.
ACTIONABLE 6
Boil down the entire content in your own words
At the end of the conversation, it is always better to summarise and rephrase what has been said in your own words. You do this for your own understanding and comprehension.
This will give you the following advantages over others:
· You have been attentive
· The message is crystal clear to you
· When you say things in your own words you verify that what you have grasped is accurate.
In Conclusion
MAKE YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL
We can learn new things and avoid going through a lot of pain and emotional hurt on any given day if only we can learn to listen to what the world has to say.
ACTION PLAN
Convert your knowledge into Action
1. How will you "Actively" participate in listening to your colleague as he/she talks?
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TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON LISTENING SKILLS
1. Which of the following statements is true about a good listener?
A. A good listener doesn't encourage the speaker.
B. A good listener cannot do well in the sales profession.
C. A good listener listens because he doesn't want to waste his energy speaking.
D. A good listener every day practices his skills so that he can become better at listening.
2. Asking for doubts and clarification gives you
A. A chance to revise what has been said or taught
B. Both
C. Better understanding of the subject matter
D. Only C
3. Active participation in Listening implies
A. Involving in other activities as the speaker speaks
B. Actively surfing social media
C. Asking appropriate and relevant questions
D. Active Participation in act of fun
4. The sign of a legendary listener is that he should take the speaker away from his agenda and start a new topic.
A. No
B. Yes
5. A good listener is someone who is under the influence of high emotions.
A. Yes
B. No
6. Leaning very, very close towards the speaker shows that
A. You are a good listener
B. You are very much interested in what is being said
C. You don't want to miss even one word
D. You are entering his personal zone and may frighten the speaker
ANSWER KEY
1. ANSWER: D 2. ANSWER: B 3. ANSWER: C 4. ANSWER: A
5. ANSWER: B 6. ANSWER: D
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